It has been ten years since I got the message first time round. " We cannot rule out the possibility that this might be cancer".
That time, I became terrified. I was a mum of three, my husband went to school a whole days drive away, so he was only home on the weekends, and life was busy and exhausting. But as I received that message, it was as if everything slowed down into slowmotion. As if earth let go of some of its gravity and the contents of the earth floated around me. Time passed slowly but the speed of my thoughts accelerated. For two long months I had to wait for the examination that was going to give me answers. Cancer? Or was life soon go back to normal?
I was relieved when I learned it wasn´t cancer. Not this time. I could continue life as usual and the future was again filled with possibilities.
This week it became apparent that I have to have the examination again. New symptoms. And this time I have crossed that age line of 40, so it is necessary to check it out because the most obvious reasons are ruled out. But my life has not came to a halt. The contents of the world no longer float around. And I am not scared. The percentage is on my side. I do of course think about it sometimes, but I will not let it eat me up this time. I have an inner peace that I hope will stay with me along the way.
I was relieved when I learned it wasn´t cancer. Not this time. I could continue life as usual and the future was again filled with possibilities.
This week it became apparent that I have to have the examination again. New symptoms. And this time I have crossed that age line of 40, so it is necessary to check it out because the most obvious reasons are ruled out. But my life has not came to a halt. The contents of the world no longer float around. And I am not scared. The percentage is on my side. I do of course think about it sometimes, but I will not let it eat me up this time. I have an inner peace that I hope will stay with me along the way.
Everyday there are people out there who receive the following message: "Sorry, I am afraid you have cancer". Or "We are happy to tell you this is not cancer". Everyday somebody receives the message that changes their life and their future. We have no way of telling when that day will be in our own lives. We need to become better at appreciating what we have and not disappear into everyday life.
I have felt the need to break out of it myself for a very long time. I need to be more than living. I need to be alive. But it is not easy. So many demands and so little time, and suddenly another year has passed yet again.
So I am somewhat grateful to be facing the question of cancer again. The odds are on my side, but it is still a wake-up-call. The time has come to start being present in life again. Time to smell the roses and look up. To take time to notice what a wonderful world we live in, the many great people around us, all the possibilities that still present themselves, and just be.
"We must leave our mark on life while we have it in our power,
lest it should close up, when we leave it, without a trace."
(Karen Blixen)
Photo: Katinka Bakkland
(A beautiful evening at Tjøme)
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful message - the wake up call to pay attention to life again. I teach the 13 year old Sunday School class at church - and today we talked about how we can know we need to do something - and do it by rote - but it isn't until we understand the importance of it, that it finally has personal meaning. Your blog post reminded me of our class, and how when we receive a medical diagnosis, it makes us so much more aware of our time here on earth and how we use it. Good luck with your test results. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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