Wednesday, March 27, 2013

When my thoughts shout, I close my mouth...

Time and peace to think is rare in the life of a busy mum. It is both beautiful and wonderful to feel ones own thoughts. But it can be too much sometimes. 

To me, life is sitting on a train, reading the book of life. The sound of the wheels against the rails thunder under us. Regularly as if blending in with the beat of our heart. It comes from the outside, but becomes as if within us. We sit there, buried in the book and surrounded by the sounds of the people around us. Everything is like it always is, and we move forward, almost unnoticeable.The days of our lives pass us like they almost don't exist. But sometimes, we are awakened from the dullness of life's travel. It jolts us and makes us look up from our books, we look at the people around us as we have never seen them before, we look out the window and notice the variations in what we so quickly pass by. The places we pass, the colour and light which surround us, the smells, the sounds. And suddenly we are there. Present in our own life.

Last night, I drove home under clear, black skies. The moon was shining playfully through the old oak trees and the stars sparkled way beyond. The music in the car blended in with the surroundings and suddenly it startled me in a profound way. It shook me into a strong feeling of presence in my own life. It caused me to cry because of the sudden presence I felt. And the greatness and complexity in the relationship between man and universe. And my place in all this. It was as if my shell became thinner and opened for thoughts never before thought. The problem is, some thoughts demand too much attention. It is as if my thoughts shout at me and demand answers. But I don't have answers, so the thoughts keep reappearing. They don't fall back. And when my thoughts shout, I close my mouth. I become quiet. Because they steal my attention and suddenly I am in a state of limbo in my own life.

"Thoughts are history's sourdough. When thoughts really grip the human mind, they cannot be stopped before they have penetrated everything"
Sigurd Opdahl

I am a sensitive being and I walk quietly through the doors of life. But when I feel, my feelings are strong. For good and bad. Luckily I love music and books. It is free and liberating therapy. Some music gives me energy to tackle the world, some soothe my soul, and some make me relax. When I sing and play music on my own, it lifts thoughts and feelings out of me and liberates me. Reading takes me out of my life and into others. Experiences that make me look at my own life differently.

"We read to shed light on our own lives, to see our thoughts and imaginations from new angles and perhaps have them corrected"
Aksel Sandemose

But sometimes it is difficult to be corrected in what you think you are, or were, or in where you are and where you are going. I remember how hard it was and how vulnerable I felt at the end of junior high, not knowing what would come next. I feel a little bit of the same now, but it is not easy to be awakened in life itself when all you want to do is sleep on. though I do believe we as human beings need to be woken up in our lives more often and to a greater effect. So as to not let life slip away. 

"I woke up in the middle of the night. Paralyzed by the thought and realization that the only one in the world to live my life, was me".
Erlend Loe

1 comment:

  1. You write beautifully. It reflects the very special woman you are.